Have you ever looked at an old picture, knowing exactly how you felt the moment it was taken; self conscious, unattractive, miserable, uncertain, unhappy - then looked again a few years down the track and remembered it differently? You were thinner than you felt then, your skin was younger, your smile less corrupted, your heart more free. That's the power of retrospect. When we look back at ourselves we more often than not think they were great times in our lives, even though the reality back then was different.
I often re visit old photos, with exactly that experience. I think most people I know do. I don't have regrets, but I do have many 'if I knew then what I know now' moments.
I had a fairly happy and stable childhood. It has been captured pretty thoroughly in photographs and film; granted it was the 70s and 80s so not to the extent that say my children's youth will be captured; what with instant digital photo and videography often requiring little more than a mobile phone to capture every significant and not so significant moment of their upbringing. I've also had a running commentary through my mum of the story behind each photograph, so the memories have been kept vividly alive through her story telling, coupled with my own recollection.
The way in which I see my teen years has shifted though. I remember feeling self conscious and awkward, moody, restricted, confused most of the time. Nothing unusual for an angst riddled teenager really. I'm sure my experience is similar to most people at that age - that horrible hormone loaded, in transition from child to adult time, between the ages of say 14 - 17. When I think about it now, it was three years; a drop in the ocean in the scope of a lifetime, but at the time it felt like an unbearable eternity.
I look back now with different eyes. My skin was youthful and smooth, my expression serene - pouty and sullen, typically troubled, but oblivious, maybe even a little bit innocent. My figure was tidy, not posture perfect, but in proportion. I dressed eccentrically. I lived in op shops and Indian boutiques. I had my own sense of style. I applied minimal, but bold make up. I cut and dyed my hair regularly. I was never conventionally beautiful, but I looked after myself. I took pride in my appearance - however slacker and effortless.....ok lazy, it was. I felt like an outsider, a misfit, but there was a shine in that uniqueness that I completely missed at the time. What a shame!
I look at my post teen years in much the same way. In my 20s I was looking back at those teenage years and lamenting the missed opportunities and really not enjoying the present I was living as much as I should have, in retrospect. It didn't occur to me that that present, the time in my 20s when I lived alone, earned a decent income and had the freedom to enjoy every moment, would be something I would look back on fondly.
I've finally come full circle. It has recently dawned on me that I keep looking back with new eyes on my past and neglecting my present. So why don't I just look at my present in the same way and just appreciate every moment now, not 10 years from now.
The other day I was driving to my parents' place in my 4wd, three beautiful daughters quietly traveling with me in the back seat. I tuned in to some classic old fogey radio station that plays all those excellent hits you never know you like until they play them on the radio in the car 10 years later. That song by Bryan Adams came on, Summer of '69. That line was a light bulb moment; "Those were the best days of my life". That's what got me thinking about this. The best days of our lives are the moments we are living right now. We just don't appreciate them until later because living in the moment is fraught with so much other stuff to distract us. It's not easy being human. We worry, we feel anxious, we fret about decisions we must make, we agonise over what people think of us or how we look and how we come across to people. It takes our attention away from the bigger picture of what we are actually experiencing. Later on, in retrospect, all that negativity falls away and we are left with the happy memories.
We forget about the ill feelings we carried and the self depreciating, crippling mind chatter that held us back from taking risks and leaping whole heartedly into the guts of our lives. We only remember our past mostly with fondness, the good old days, the simplicity and the innocence of our youth.
If we can have such clarity in retrospect, why can't we drag that optimism into our present? We should be able to recognise each and every day, each and every moment, particularly when the shit is hitting the proverbial fan, that this is it. This is all we have. This moment is the only thing that is real and it will be gone immediately. Why wait? Why only appreciate it later with the benefit of clarity? Why not clear our vision now?
So right there in the car, with Bryan Adams' gravelly voice reminiscing about his youthful summer and my girls quietly dozing in the back as I drove peacefully to my parents' place, I decided to be more grateful. To be more present every day. To love photos immediately and take more of them doing the things I love with the people that I love. I'll still look back and love them in 10 years time, but it will be the second time around.
I highly recommend reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
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