Nothing makes me happier than a clean bathroom. Shiny tiles, the smell of pine, soft folded towels. Nothing disgusts and terrifies me more than a dirty one. I hate public toilets. I hate them to the point of phobia. Ordinarily, I avoid them, but sometimes it's something I just have to close my eyes, hold my breath and survive. To me, all public toilets look like the one in the movie Trainspotting. I hate this image in my mind so much that I couldn't even bring myself to find a still from the movie to put in this post to show you, because I know what other images I may have to look at and I'm nauseous just thinking about it.
When I am having an anxious time in my life; whenever I have things going on that are worrying me or if I am under the weather; I dream about dirty bathrooms. I dream that I am desperate to go and that I have to navigate all sorts of horror to relieve myself. The images stay with me all day. It's worse than any nightmare. I'm sure I should probably speak to a therapist about it. I'm sure they'd be rubbing their hands together with dollar signs in their eyes at the thought of unraveling that knot.
Which is why right now, any kind of public outing is filled with dread and apprehension. You see I have just toilet trained my almost three year old and public toilets are now not only a necessity, but one that I must make a pleasant experience for her. I don't want to instill the same level of fear and reluctance in her that I feel. At the same time I don't want her to get too comfortable in there.
Taking my little one to the toilet in public has become a careful journey through a labyrinth of germs and wet funk the reality of which doesn't even compare to the degradation and mayhem that exists in my imagination. In my defense, I don't think my worst imaginings are far off the mark. Public toilets are a fucking nightmare.
I use the parent rooms in most places where I can. They have a miniature hell hole designed for tiny little bottoms. You'd think they'd be relatively clean; I mean how much mess can a toddler make if they are carefully placed on there and taken off. You'd be surprised. Piss on the seat, not flushed, over used and under cleaned. What do you expect from a public toilet, I hear you ask. Not much more, I know that. I just hate it. I can't be alone and I think things should change. It's not impossible.
That part I manage. Wipe down the seat, repeat "hands on heads" over and over again like a jolly drill sergeant, make it quick, hope for the best and get the hell out.
Parent rooms are mostly pretty awful. Yes they have some lovely pictures on the walls, all the amenities like a microwave, comfy chairs, change tables; some even have a tv and play equipment in a fenced off area for the older ones. Unfortunately they see a lot of traffic and I imagine it is difficult to maintain them. The level of maintenance never matches the level of use and in some cases abuse, because people treat those places carelessly. They make a mess and leave it there for someone else to correct. I wonder if it's because they're rushed to leave the putrid place just like I am or they just live like that and have zero respect for other human beings whether they will be using the place after them or have to do the butt clenching, soul destroying task of cleaning them.
I spent a lot of time in those rooms. With my first I took my time. I'd sit and feed her, burp her and change her. With the twins it was a little harder to negotiate tandem feeding while watching a toddler, so unless I had help, I timed my outings around feeds. There is nothing worse than trying to feed your baby surrounded by nappy bins filled to the brim. Who else is expected to eat in a fucking toilet, but babies! And I have witnessed people using those rooms like a cafe. No word of a lie. Shopping center employees will heat up their food in the microwave and sit and eat their lunch in there, mothers with older children will bring their kids to have lunch.....IN THERE! There are food courts, parks with trees outside, your car. Anywhere, but a toilet room!
I sometimes felt brave enough to feed my baby in the food court, not giving a fuck who saw my boob. But even I have to admit, especially when the kids were small, I needed a quiet and intimate space without distraction. I think that's an entitlement.
I remember the first time I traveled to Europe as an adult, using the public restrooms with attendants. You had to give a donation to buy toilet paper. My initial reaction was surprise and confusion at having to pay for toilet paper. I mean how stingy! But the more I needed them while I traveled the more pleasant the experience became. Without exception, the toilets looked after by an attendant were spotless. I still haven't reconciled the classist and sexist conundrum that this kind of employment brings about, but the concept is valid. When there is someone there to oversee the behaviour of people and to take care of the space, it creates a culture of common care.
If you need to relieve yourself in public, do it in a civilised manner. Piss, shit, vomit, wank, change your tampon, whatever. Do it in the privacy of a cubicle and clean up after yourself. How hard is that.
My vision of parent rooms are utopian. I imagine an abundance of curtained off cubicles with a comfy chair, a small table, enough room for a pram, another seat for a 'guest', a small wall puzzle apparatus for older kids, a change table and a bin that is frequently emptied. A permanent attendant - male or female - with dignified working conditions to ensure the area is respected and maintained. I truly believe that when those conditions already exist and are encouraged, people adapt. Isn't it what everyone wants? If you go to a fancy hotel or restaurant, it never ends up looking like a McDonald's at 3am does it.
One final thing. I don't give a fuck if you have a penis or a vagina or both or neither or any other combination. If you need to relieve yourself or tend to a child or baby, everyone should be able to do that with privacy, good hygiene and free from harrassment. I don't get the segregation. I never have. At music festivals, I used the men's room on more than one occasion, when the queue for the women's was out the door and into the carpark.
I want to revolutionise public rest rooms. Because of the nature of the acts that go on in there, that is more of a reason for us as a domesticated and civilised species to work harder to make the whole experience more accommodating. Yes flowers and soft music. Yes aromatherapy, yes waste management and comfort. It's time to pimp up the custodial industry. It's important. Pay cleaners what they are worth. They make magic every day. And show some respect, help out by not being a disgrace. Leave a place as you found it. Leave no trace. It's a metaphor for how we should live generally.
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